AFFL Managers Spotlight: The Commish visits Grabbers United
Raffi Lalazarian
12:30 pm - On a warm sunny afternoon in Glendale, Sassoon, owner and manager of Grabbers United, sits pensively on his couch. In front of him, a small laptop with multiple tabs opened to fantasy football pages. Still and silent, Sassoon takes in the charts, graphs and analytics with deep thought, meticulously planning for the upcoming AFFL Draft. But the silence doesn't last long, as his three little boys, Antranik (6), Haik (5) and Nareg (3) race around the livingroom, jumping on the couch in a terrorizing game of tag. Through the screams of joy and happiness, Sassoon takes a few sips of his green tea and calmly says "Okay guys, that's enough. Antranik not the jooj." Order is restored for a moment and he quietly goes back to his research.
"Some managers have one child. Others have two. Nobody has three," said Sassoon as he wrangled Antranik away from the fridge. "You know what they say 'life doesn't start til three."
On this particular day, the kids are paid a visit by Commissioner Lalazarian to take part in the Commissioners Families of the AFFL program which aims to bring the league closer together with AFFL families. They hit it off with a bang, with the commissioner soon tossing the kids around like he was a ride at an amusement park.
"Competing in the AFFL is hard enough, but doing it while managing three young children is near impossible.," said Lalazarian. "They got a lot of energy. I don't know how he does it. My ass is tired after 5 min."
But despite being a dedicated father, Sassoon has managed to grow the Grabbers United franchise into one of the fastest rising brands in the AFFL.
After joining the league in 2008, Grabbers struggled to be competitive, finishing no better than 9th place during the first four seasons. The losses piled up, and he was even humiliated to show his ass in the neighborhood. Figuratively and literally.
"People would see the Ass Grabbers name and say 'you are what you grab' and they were right," recalls Grabbers. "It was frustrating."
Determined to take his vorik to new heights, Grabbers bogged down and put greater emphasis into the process. He stayed up later and went to bed earlier. The lack of sleep from a house full of kids paid off with his 2012 team which made it to the AFFL finals. He came up short, losing to the Atomic Bomba that season, but despite the championship loss, it was the first time the Grabbers and playoffs were mentioned in the same sentence.
Then, two years later, Grabbers United had a season for the ages. With 9-4 record, and third overall finish, Grabbers' team set four records: Most points scored in a season, largest margin of victory, most 100+ point games, most 120+ point games. The title seemed to be all but his entering the playoffs. But the AFFL slogan is Survival of the Luckiest, and lady luck would not be at his side. The historic season would be cut short in the first round of the postseason, where Jaj Cousteau (eventual champ) defeated Grabbers by .2 points, the same margin he defeated Sassoon just two weeks prior in the regular season. Two .2 losses in a matter of three weeks to the same team. Unprecedented.
"I remember having 20 cents in my pocket that day, and I just stared at the two dimes for ten minutes without moving."
Demoralized and crushed, the league was anxious to see if the rise of Grabbers would continue in the '15 season. Many teams wrote him off, saying that his two year run was over. BDiddy manager Baret recalls having a conversation that went along those lines. Baret recalls:
"I was telling Tiggy to tell Mikey that I think that Grabbers is done, bro. 2nd place was nice, but it was a fluke. Mikey told Tiggy to tell me that he thought it was too. And tiggy did tell me, he did."
But Grabbers wasn't done. In 2015, Grabbers again finished with a 9-4 record and return to the AFFL Title game. His team was on fire, fueled by the .2 loss the year previous.
"Many teams have a second wind that's just a fart," said Sassoon. "But my ass was on fire."
Making it all the way to the title game, Grabbers had been only the third team to make back to the finals within a three year span. He went into the match-up with Hartan as an underdog, but had the league rooting for him. After putting up 160 points in the semi-final game, GU could only muster up 112 in the championship, and fell to the Hartan 131-112. Still, the team held their chin high. They had established themselves as relevant.
"A loss is never a win, unless it means something bigger. That loss let everyone know to watch their ass. The Grabbers pinch is within reach."
2:35 pm - Commissioner Lalazarian holds Haik's hand as he walks down the sidewalk, carefully guiding him across the street and over to the other side. The two boys follow. Earlier in the day the commish suggested they go grab ice-cream at 31 flavors down the street. Haig and the kids were so excited they ran and began showing the commissioner their different shoes. "These are the Kyrie shoes," yelled Haik excited. "I'm wearing these." Antranik dashed to his room and brought out the Kobe 3s. "These will make me run faster," he exclaimed and ran about the house.
Antranik is the energetic leader of the three, with a fun, playful competitiveness. He is eager to do well and is full of energy. Nareg, the youngest, is no shy one either, having a wicked tenacity to match his older brothers. When it comes to wrestling, Nareg isn't about to let his two and half foot frame hold him back. Kid brings it. Haik is the more reserved of the brothers, politely not choosing to get into the competition. Still, he is a great kid that offers just as much warmth and kindness.
2:45pm- At the ice-cream counter, the kids race across the long window pane salivating at the many different flavors. Antranik and Haik each would have one scoop, while little Nareg decides to hell with his diet and goes for a double. With ice-cream dripping everywhere, Sassoon smiles and whispers to the commissioner, "you know this year is my year, right?" It's a line that the commissioner has heard time and time again from every manager. But with a smile back he replies "It's everyone's year." The message is understood.
Entering the 2017 season, Grabbers has the option of keeping players from last season, with the best choices being Cam Newton ($17) Tevin Coleman ($13) or Spencer Ware ($9). The value for those players aren't great, but they could be the building blocks for getting Grabbers back to the AFFL title game. No, Grabbers won't intimidate anyone with a history of winning the likes other AFFL managers can. His lifetime win percentage is still only 44%, and he has only made the playoffs 3 times during his 9 seasons in the league. But that's just the way Grabbers like's it. It's what his team brand is made of.
"When you go to pinch someone from behind, its tougher to do it when they know you're coming. I don't want anyone to know I'm coming."
3:30pm - Returning to the house after ice-cream, Antranik challenges the commissioner to a game of soccer. The commish accepts, and the game ends with an Antranik goal and celebration. Sassoon looks on from the side smiling. Meanwhile, Nareg has managed to nab Lalazarian's phone and proceeds to take selfies of himself and the commish. He's not shy about a photo-op.
7:40pm - After dinner (which was kid centered: Fillet o' fish sticks and salad) Sassoon takes the boys to the bathtub, where they disrobe and jump into the pool eagerly. While they splash and play about, Sassoon calmly washes them, applying just the right amount of soap to create the optimum bubble level. Too little is no fun, too much and Sassoon loses them in the clouds. As he says, "it's an art form."
Sassoon hard at work getting the right amount of soap bubble level in the bath.
Once rinsed, they move their naked little bodies to the dresser drawers to put on their vardegs and comic book themed pjs. Haik goes for batman, while Nareg opts for Spiderman. Unable to get his socks on, he asks the Commisisoner for help. Lalazarian obliges.
830pm- Once the kids are dressed, The Commissioner says good-bye to the boys with one last few tosses in the air and thanks Sassoon for the hospitality. They exchange pleasantries and Lalazarian drives off to AFFL HQ. Sassoon slowly shuts the screen door.
Returning to the couch to catch his breath, Sassoon plumps down in front of his laptop with the same tabs open. He will read the kids a bedtime story in a few minutes, then get back to research. It's his few moments of solitude left. All we have are moments, and Sassoon eagerly awaits his moment to come, where, like today, he can basque in the Sun.
