Vosgee Gyank Donates to Vatican. Receives “Godorade,” Blessed Sports Drink.
Raffi Lalazarian
Azdvatz in da Vosgee Hooooouse?!
Desperate times call for desperate measures. Sometimes you just have to bypass the fantasy gods and start dealing with the real One. Apparently Gyank owner Mardig knows this too well.
Reports out of the Vatican have Gyank owner Mardig Kasbarian donating money to the High Church in return for a “prayer package” to help garnish wins for the struggling franchise. Gyank hasn't sniffed the playoffs since '08, and finds himself without a player to keep heading into the 2014 draft. A very dismal situation. By greasing earth's heavenly landlord, Mardig is taking the AFFL karma to a whole new level.
“Yes I believe in the Fantasy Gods,” explained Kasbarian, “ I believe they are very real. And we're doing this to appease them. So Kak ger, bro.”
The Prayer package sent by the Vatican includes prayer services that the Church will carry out for the rest of the season on behalf of the Gyank. These include: Team blessings before games; Prayer-on-Demand, an instant prayer service should a player get injured; and “bye-week blessings,” which include specific prayers for free agents that subsitute for players on bye. The package also contains many interesting novelties, such as unique iron shoes developed by the Vatican that were inspired by Deuteronomy 33:25 “Thy shoes [shall be] iron and brass; and as thy days, [so shall] thy strength [be].” We're still trying to figure out what those are about, but they are cool.
But the most interesting of novelties is a team supply of Godorade, the blessed sports drink, that will apparently give Mardig and his players the spiritual edge he's been looking for. It’s soul quenching.
Primarily used for in-game hydration and holiness, Godorade has been in development for the last ten years but only given out to a select few. It is a mixture of natural and “holy” flavors, combining rich fruit and pure blessed holy water to help athletes get to the next level. Research done on the divine drink is inconclusive, but Kasbarian believes it works.
“I took a sip of that stuff before I left for the gym this morning. I was running like a gazelle bro.”
Used in conjunction with the prayer package, Godorade allegedly renders all jinxes and hexes during the fantasy season powerless, something that is crucial to winning in the AFFL. That means premature congratulations sent to Mardig's phone will not have an affect on the outcome of his match-up. Vosgee says that he has lost hundreds of games just from that alone.
"One year I was down three points with Dobson and Ridley to play. He was done. I get one text saying congratulations, next thing I know, Dobson is hurt and Ridley is benched for fumbling. Kak ger bro. Mez Kak ger."
With only two days left until the draft, most teams will be number crunching and performing mock drafts, but not Gyank. Rather than relying on machines to make his success happen, he's turning to a higher source.
“We’re hoping, check that, we’re praying that this deal with the Vatican will help our team get to that next level physically, mentally, spiritually, and any other word that ends in 'ally' that we need. Oh and by all means, kak ger bro."
The Pope holds up a Vosgee logo urging the audience to pray for his fantasy team this season.
The Vatican does not claim that its prayer package, nor Godorade for that matter, will magically use divine intervention to change the course of events in any field, including football. That can only be God’s will. Rather, it will help the soul deal with the circumstances that the prayee finds him or herself in. Basically, if Gyank is going down, he’ll feel okay about it now.
“We’re not going anywhere,” said Mardig, wearing a brand new cross around his neck. “It’s about the Holy Gyank now. Azdvatz in daaaa Vosgeee hoooouse!”
While he's at it, maybe he should ask God for a few keepers. Amen.