AFFL WEEK 13 Playoff Scenarios: 2 Divisions and Three Playoff Seeds up for Grabs

It has come down to this. One week, eight teams, three playoff spots, and two Division crowns all to be decided on the final week of the AFFL fantasy regular season. The commissioner wanted parody, and it looks like that is exactly what he got. No team has established themselves as the clear favorite to win it all this year, and with a cluster of teams vying for position in the post-season, the AFFL has its most intense playoff race in years.

Will upstart HBK Shant Michaels, winner of five of the last six games, sneak his way into the into the playoffs? Will the emergence of Thomas Rawls carry BDiddy into the AFFL's sacred six team playoff? Who will win the Dolma and Mazoon divisions? Will Bomba fail to make the playoffs a second year in a row? These are just a few of the story lines that grip the AFFL week 13.

Sorting through the cluster can be a mess. Many teams have multiple scenarios that will get them into the playoffs. Below are those scenarios, along with odds of that team making the playoffs. Enjoy.

Team Scenarios

BDiddy

Loss and BDiddy is out.

Win and the following scenarios would get BDiddy in:

• Scenario 1 - Bdiddy outscores Jaj by 46.11
• Scenario 2 - Fails to outscore Jaj by 46.11. Bomba loses and BDiddy outscores Bomba by 26.33 and HBK loses or HBK wins and BDiddy also outscores HBK by 16.13
• Scenario 3 - Cobra kai loses and BDiddy outscores Cobra by 88.57

Odds of getting in: 15%

HBK Shant Michaels

Loss and HBK is out

Win and the following scenarios would get HBK in:

• Scenario 1 - Bomba loses and HBK outscores Bomba by 10.21 and BDiddy loses or BDiddy wins but fails to outscore HBK by 16.13
• Scenario 2 - Jaj loses and HBK outscores Jaj by 29.99
• Scenario 3 - Cobra kai loses and HBK outscores Cobra by 71.45

Odds of getting in: 15%

Atomic Bomba

Win and Bomba is in

Loss and the following scenarios would get Bomba in:

• Scenario 1 - HBK and BDiddy loss
• Scenario 2 - HBK loss and BDiddy wins but fails to outscore Bomba by 26.33
• Scenario 3 - BDiddy loss and HBK wins but fails to outscore Bomba by 10.13
• Scenario 4 - Jaj loss and Bomba outscores Jaj by 19.79
• Scenario 5 - Cobra loss and Bomba outscores Cobra by 59.25

Odds of getting in: 70%

Bomba would win the division with a win and a Hartan loss

Odds of winning division: 50%

Jaj Cousteau

Win and Jaj is in

Loss and the following scenarios would get Jaj in:

• Scenario 1 - HBK loss and BDiddy fails to outscore Jaj by 46.11
• Scenario 2 - HBK win, but fails to outscore Jaj by 29.99 and BDiddy win, but fails to outscore Jaj by 46.11 or Bomba loss and Bomba fails to outscore Jaj by 19.79
• Scenario 3 - Cobra loss and Jaj outscores Cobra by 41.47.

Odds of getting in: 75%

Cobra Kai

Win and Cobra is in

Loss and the following scenarios would get Cobra in:

• Scenario 1 - Would only miss playoffs if three of the four teams Bomba, HBK, Jaj, BDiddy win and outscore Cobra's current margin of victory. Highly unlikely.

Odds of getting in: 95%

Can win division with:

• Scenario 1 - Win and both Grabbers and Awesomeness lose.

Odds of winning division: 33%

Awesomeness

Clinched Playoff birth

Can win division with:

• Scenario 1 - Win and Grabbers loss

Odds of winning division: 25%

Grabbers

Clinched Playoff birth

Can win division with:

• Scenario 1 - Win
• Scenario 2 - Loss, and Awesomeness and Cobra Kai loss

Odds of winning division: 57%

Hartan

Clinched Playoff birth

Can win division with:

• Scenario 1 - Win
• Scenario 2 - Bomba Loss

Playoff Seeding Predicitions

Hartan (1), Grabbers (2), Awesomeness (3), Cobra Kai (4), Bomba (5), Jaj Cousteau (6)

Magnum Sev.i releases rap album entitled "Still the team to beat B***h". League asks managers to go to grief counseling.

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After beginning the year by trading away lots of great players for a few not so great ones, the Magnum Sev.i has done what they do best: Dig themselves a hole they can't climb out of. 

Yet despite the team sitting at 1-7, managers Danny and Sevag still believe they are the team to beat and have released a rap album expressing their confidence.

"We're just tired," said Sevag. "We're tired of having to convince everyone all the time that we are the team to beat. So, we just wanted to drop this album and put it all out there at once. Still the team to beat, b***h is something that is close to my heart. We're still the team to beat. I added the bitch because it sounds harder."

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It is unclear whether or not Sevag had been drinking or under the influence of narcotics during the time he made these statements, but the confidence the team has with the albums release has led the league to intervene and ask that both managers go to counseling. Danny refuses to do so, and was outspoken about his disgust on how the league operates.

"If I should go to counseling for grief, then Ara should go to counseling for suffering, because he makes everyone in this league suffer with his idiotic trades and nonsensical rants. Get that guy a couch. Get us a throne. Still the team to beat b***, now available on Itunes and Amazon music."

The album features many interesting track titles, such as Makin' it rain FAAB money and Accept the trade Motherf***er. Here is the complete list.

1. Still the team to beat bitch
2. What round is he?
3. 1 and 7 and in heaven
4. Dropped an RB1 just cuz
5. Makin' it rain FAAB money
6. Accept the trade Motherf****
7. Stat correction erection
8. F*** inactives
9. My kicker got blanked
10. Bomba sucks my bomba
11. Got the lowest points
12. Wife be trippin. (extended cut) featuring Lucy
13. Weekly High

The album has been given a two and half star rating average on itunes and many complain that the lyrics are too offensive for teens and not offensive enough to fantasy football pundits. Others rave about the real life story that Sevag captures in his lyrics. Take for example these lines from the track Got the lowest points where Danny raps:

"Anquan Boldin in the flex. Inactive? F*** it. Andre Johnson aint shit. Even with Luck in. Senior Bowl for the old and slow. Rather a #1 who's out, than a 3 who don't show. "

Or how about this gem from Stat correction erection:

Point two! What do I do? It's 3 am. Can I call a friend? Lost my mind, when I lost the game. Wake up at six, will the score be the same? Hear my prayers lords of fantasy (echo: lords of fantasy). can you get me sprung?  You have my attention. Morning wood. Need that stat correction erection.

It's highly unlikely that Sev.i will make the postseason with a 1-7 record, but stranger things have happened. Nevertheless, it looks like their confidence isn't taking a back seat. We'll leave you with the second verse from the third track "1 and 7 and in heaven."

Mama caught me with a bag. Never liked smokin fags. And if you hoes wanna know, then get off of the rag

Before you, there was me. Rhyming smooth like Hennessy. Now things going wrong, but that's just livin.

1 and 7 and I'm still in heaven. 1 and 7 and I'm still in heaven.

That's right Sev.i. Just keep singing. Everything will be okay.

HBK gets Mani-Pedi at Cobra Kai approved Salon to Change Fantasy Karma.. and it works! Vosgee rumored to have booked appt. today.

After starting the season an abysmal 1-5, HBK needed a change. He needed to rebuild from the ground up. So what does he do? He goes and gets a pedicure.

Always "trying something new" is HBK's mojo, and his decision to go to a nail salon early Saturday morning falls in line with his off-tangent behavior during the football season. Sure, many people will point to this past weeks acquisition of Lamar Miller in a trade from Prime Time as being the primary reason for his week 7 point explosion, but HBK believes that it has more to do with the nail file an asian woman took to his pinkie toe than any running back.

"Rebuilding is an eleven part process," said HBK, "It's one part great trade, then 10 parts pedicure. One for each toe." 

HBK would comment on whether or not the decision to go to Images Luxury Nail Lounge was completely voluntary, but added, "nothing I do is voluntary. It's because I have to win."

Further adding to the story is the peculiar connection that Images Luxury Nail Lounge has with another AFFL team, Cobra Kai. It seems that the nail salon is "Cobra kai approved," as the dojo master has himself come to this salon as well. Could HBK be trying to mimic the forces of the Cobra Kai, seeing how successful they have been? The recent multi-player trade with  Prime Time and visit to a Cobra Kai approved dojo certainly suggests that this is so.

Here is a photo-timeline of HBKs trip to get his little piggies all cleaned up. 

Pre-pedicure- HBK House: 8:01 am. 

Pre-Pedi. HBK looks to be in a world of confusion as to what to expect. He's obviously been mentally stressed over the last 6 weeks of the AFFL season. He's even forgotten how to smile. If we didn't know that things got better for HBK after week 7,  it would be cruel to post these pics. 

Images Luxury Nail Salon: 8:45am 

Because if you're gonna go pedicure, you go in luxury. Notice the symbolic nature of the pic. HBK's season has been handicapped, yet, like the flowers brimming along the side, there is always hope. That is unless you are Magnum Sev.i at 1-6, then there is no hope. Sorry, no 'Stache for you!

Enter Sandman: 8:45am

"You like Clitter gel?" A mother and daughter are getting their nails done too. No doubt HBK is using the two to help his PR image. Rumor is that the little girl told him that his team would have 165 points this week. HBK's been frantically trying to get a hold of her ever since Sunday night. Notice the Cobra Kai approved sign on the front desk. Is this collusion? AFFL reports on this next week.

Dive! Dive! 9:33 am.

Feet soaking in minerals and salts that will render a very relaxing experience, all  for the super low price of $17. You can do this in your own bath, but that's not the point. At this moment, HBK is feeling euphoric and using mental imagery to visualize a successful Sunday, while broken English is spoken around him. It's all very exciting. Bubbles!

File it away: 9:45am

HBK's 165 point week 7 outing was at this point a lock. With the pedicure complete, there was nothing the Atomic Bomba could have done. Well, he could have countered the HBK pedicure with a manicure, pedicure, and massage trifecta to offset the karma, but there just wasn't enough time. Stretched out like a leg limousine, HBK is all relaxed and ready to turn his season around. Photo symbolism: Still water. Calm before the storm. 

Post-Pedi: 10:05 am

A new HBK emerges from his feminist adventure and is ready to explode during the second half of the season. Notice the relaxed face. It's much closer to a smile. Look out AFFL. Toes before bros. It's gonna go down. 

Cobra Kai Diagnosed with Trader's Addiction. Offers Olsen for Clay Jars at Local Swap Meet.

Cobra Kai may need to dial a 1-800 number very soon.

After pulling off two trades in a three week span, it seems that Cobra Kai manager Sayyad isn't satisfied. In fact, he may never be satisfied. The karate manager has an insatiable desire for trades, and has been diagnosed by fantasy doctors as having a Trader's addiction.

"Trader's addiction is developed after many years of sending out bullsh$$ trade offers," said Dr. Fienhold, head of the AFFL research and development lab in Los angeles, Ca. "The trader offers up so many BS trades that they then get the uncontrollable desire to keep offering something, just to get the 'High' of winning a trade."

While Dr. Fienhold says that the addiction can be cured, it is very difficult to do so if the patient has reached BS level #4, offering scrub players for stars.

It looks like Sayyad could have hit that level last week, when offered Awesomeness Melvin Gordon and Allen Robinson for Arian Foster. Fantasy experts don't quantify this as a BS trade, but many who imagine Foster to be an RB1 would definitely say this was indeed bullsh$$.

Photo's surfaced just this week showing Sayyad at a local swap meet attempting to trade his star tight end Greg Olsen to a Mexican woman for clay jars. When approached by a local fan of the team, Sayyad quickly scurried away to another booth, shaming the fan for not understanding "his method." Dr. Fienhold explains the reaction.

Trader's Addiction anology

"Once a patient has gone to level 4, they often times shut others out of the picture, and believe themselves to be on another level when it comes to player evaluation. To quote a Barry Manilow line, they believe, 'they write the songs that the whole world sings.'"

Trader Kai has been superb in his dealings over the years, and has won more trades than he has lost. However, we forget that for every trade he has made, there have been thousands of offers that have failed. It is clear that the addiction has been in slumber for many years and is now reaching the surface.

AFFL managers have been told of the diagnosis and have been asked not to be offended if they receive a BS trade offer from Cobra Kai. They hope that teams will understand that this is an affliction that will take time to overcome, and the Commissioner has asked teams to show sensitivity. An AFFL public service announcement is in the works, as are donations to the FTA (Fantasy Trader's Anonymous) the group that helps managers with fantasy trading addictions.

The Commissioner hopes that Sayyad and other managers that are addicted to sending out BS trade offers get the help they deserve. This is a serious issue that is only now coming to light.

Our prayers are with Cobra Kai and every future trade offer he sends. He needs it.

Champions Unite! Cousteau Signs Deal with Seahawks to open Seahawk Jaj Club.

The Coustau Championship Tour keeps on rolling along, this time up north in Seattle, where early Thursday morning the AFFL Champion inked a deal with the Superbowl Champion Seahawks to open an exclusive Seahawk Jaj Club at Century Link field. The merger of the two franchises will be the biggest merger for an AFFL franchise since Prime Time signed an endorsement deal with Waste Management immediately following the drafting of his 2010 AFFL team.

Cousteau manager Chris was excited about the deal, as was Seahawk GM John Schneider, who called the Jaj Club, "a place we all need in every stadium."

"I think when you're talking about Jaj, you're talking about the essence of football," said Schnieder. "We just wanted a little Seahawk Jaj in the Stadium and we got it."

The Seahawk Jaj club will be a room full of Seahawk Jaj, a combination of Seahawk and Cousteau imagery. Membership will be open to all fans on a first served, first come basis. Hot dogs in fresh buns will be available for members to enjoy, complete with a condiment bar. Fans of both teams will enjoy light music andfriendly atmosphere where they can mingle and get to know one another more intimately. Whether it is to talk about team Cousteau and shoot the Jaj, or discuss the possibility of a new Seahawk Jaj logo, there will be something for everyone.

"We really want to make this Club about Seahawk Jaj," said Cousteau owner Chris. "It's something new for me, but I'm excited about it."

Seahawk officials have not yet settled on when the Jaj Club will be opened, but many believe it won't be until next season.

Seahawk Jaj Club. Cumming soon.

But you know what they say: the bigger the build up, the bigger the release.

In the meantime, team Cousteau looks to be the first team since the Atomic Bomba to win back-to-back titles. If the first two weeks of the season are any indication, it looks like he'll get a shot to do just that.

With a 2-0 record and the most points in the AFFL, Jaj sits atop the the entire league. Kinda like a Seahawk Jajing from above. Oh the irony.