AFFL Managers Spotlight: Cobra Kai to become first Duel Sport Manager

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"The blades of grass on any field are the same. Just different cleats" - Cobra Kai

If the above quote is true, then Cobra is looking to wear two types of cleats at the same time. AFFL news is reporting that Cobra Kai is looking to become an Assistant Manager in the AYSO soccer league in order to coach his son and AFFL co-manager Samuel. He has been attending mandatory training classes this week in hopes of becoming eligible for the beginning of the season.

"I don't know much about soccer, except you gotta kick it into the net," said Sayyad from the parking lot of the AYSO headquarters. "But I know you get to sweep the leg, and I like that."

Unfortunately for Sayyad, sweeping the leg is a penalty unless the defender strikes the ball first, but I guess he'll find that out the hard way.

The move to coach in the AYSO comes at a time when Cobra should be preparing for the AFFL draft, prompting rumblings that Kai is no longer committed to his AFFL obligations. Primetime Owner Ara has already come out and blasted Sayyad on social media tweeting out "He Cobra, if you're gonna quit, Quit! Don't create excuses!#AFFL"

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Cobra kai has been a team on the rise in years past, becoming the 3rd team to win a title in 2013 and finishing 3rd in 2014. However, the last few seasons have seen a decline in production in the Cobra kai brand with a 5th place finish in 2015 and an 8th place finish in 2016. Critics point to this trend as evidence, coupled with the recent soccer coaching move as Cobra's lack of motivation in the AFFL. Cobra has vehemently denied the claim.

"No chance. Never say die brotha. No mercy. Always."

So what happens in 2017? Can Cobra where two types of cleats and still succeed on both fronts? Experts believe that its impossible. The last duel sports athletes were in the 90s and today's sports demands are just too great. Compounding the issue is the fact that should Cobra fail, he's bringing his son down with him, something child psychologists warn could be detrimental to Samuel's attitude toward sports. Psych expert Rob Lovell explains:

"When Samuel realizes that his father has coached him to losing in soccer and in the AFFL, he's just gonna believe that whatever he does with his father means that it will end ina loss. Don't be surprised if Samuel decides to split from his father's coaching responsibilities by the age of 6."

All the pressure is on Cobra Kai now to deliver two titles in two different versions of football. If he succeeds he will have done something never done in the history of the AFFL. But if he fails, he may have to face the prospect of losing a co-manager. Finding out that sweeping the leg is apenalty in soccer seems to be the least of his worries.

AFFL Managers Spotlight: The Commish visits Grabbers United

12:30 pm - On a warm sunny afternoon in Glendale, Sassoon, owner and manager of Grabbers United, sits pensively on his couch.  In front of him, a small laptop with multiple tabs opened to fantasy football pages. Still and silent, Sassoon takes in the charts, graphs and analytics with deep thought, meticulously planning for the upcoming AFFL Draft. But the silence doesn't last long, as his three little boys, Antranik (6), Haik (5) and Nareg (3) race around the livingroom, jumping on the couch in a terrorizing game of tag. Through the screams of joy and happiness, Sassoon takes a few sips of his green tea and calmly says "Okay guys, that's enough. Antranik not the jooj." Order is restored for a moment and he quietly goes back to his research.

"Some managers have one child. Others have two. Nobody has three," said Sassoon as he wrangled Antranik away from the fridge. "You know what they say 'life doesn't start til three."

On this particular day, the kids are paid a visit by Commissioner Lalazarian to take part in the Commissioners Families of the AFFL program which aims to bring the league closer together with AFFL families. They hit it off with a bang, with the commissioner soon tossing the kids around like he was a ride at an amusement park.

"Competing in the AFFL is hard enough, but doing it while managing three young children is near impossible.," said Lalazarian. "They got a lot of energy. I don't know how he does it. My ass is tired after 5 min."

But despite being a dedicated father, Sassoon has managed to grow the Grabbers United franchise into one of the fastest rising brands in the AFFL.

After joining the league in 2008, Grabbers struggled to be competitive, finishing no better than 9th place during the first four seasons. The losses piled up, and he was even humiliated to show his ass in the neighborhood. Figuratively and literally.

"People would see the Ass Grabbers name and say 'you are what you grab' and they were right," recalls Grabbers. "It was frustrating."

Determined to take his vorik to new heights, Grabbers bogged down and put greater emphasis into the process. He stayed up later and went to bed earlier. The lack of sleep from a house full of kids paid off with his 2012 team which made it to the AFFL finals. He came up short, losing to the Atomic Bomba that season, but despite the championship loss, it was the first time the Grabbers and playoffs were mentioned in the same sentence.

Then, two years later, Grabbers United had a season for the ages. With 9-4 record, and third overall finish, Grabbers' team set four records: Most points scored in a season, largest margin of victory, most 100+ point games, most 120+ point games. The title seemed to be all but his entering the playoffs. But the AFFL slogan is Survival of the Luckiest, and lady luck would not be at his side. The historic season would be cut short in the first round of the postseason, where Jaj Cousteau (eventual champ) defeated Grabbers by .2 points, the same margin he defeated Sassoon just two weeks prior in the regular season. Two .2 losses in a matter of three weeks to the same team. Unprecedented.

"I remember having 20 cents in my pocket that day, and I just stared at the two dimes for ten minutes without moving."

Demoralized and crushed, the league was anxious to see if the rise of Grabbers would continue in the '15 season. Many teams wrote him off, saying that his two year run was over. BDiddy manager Baret recalls having a conversation that went along those lines. Baret recalls:

"I was telling Tiggy to tell Mikey that I think that Grabbers is done, bro. 2nd place was nice, but it was a fluke. Mikey told Tiggy to tell me that he thought it was too. And tiggy did tell me, he did."

But Grabbers wasn't done. In 2015, Grabbers again finished with a 9-4 record and return to the AFFL Title game. His team was on fire, fueled by the .2 loss the year previous.

"Many teams have a second wind that's just a fart," said Sassoon. "But my ass was on fire."

Making it all the way to the title game, Grabbers had been only the third team to make back to the finals within a three year span. He went into the match-up with Hartan as an underdog, but had the league rooting for him. After putting up 160 points in the semi-final game, GU could only muster up 112 in the championship, and fell to the Hartan 131-112. Still, the team held their chin high. They had established themselves as relevant.

"A loss is never a win, unless it means something bigger. That loss let everyone know to watch their ass. The Grabbers pinch is within reach."

2:35 pm - Commissioner Lalazarian holds Haik's hand as he walks down the sidewalk, carefully guiding him across the street and over to the other side. The two boys follow. Earlier in the day the commish suggested they go grab ice-cream at 31 flavors down the street. Haig and the kids were so excited they ran and began showing the commissioner their different shoes. "These are the Kyrie shoes," yelled Haik excited. "I'm wearing these." Antranik dashed to his room and brought out the Kobe 3s. "These will make me run faster," he exclaimed and ran about the house.

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Antranik is the energetic leader of the three, with a fun, playful competitiveness. He is eager to do well and is full of energy. Nareg, the youngest, is no shy one either, having a wicked tenacity to match his older brothers. When it comes to wrestling, Nareg isn't about to let his two and half foot frame hold him back. Kid brings it. Haik is the more reserved of the brothers, politely not choosing to get into the competition. Still, he is a great kid that offers just as much warmth and kindness.

2:45pm- At the ice-cream counter, the kids race across the long window pane salivating at the many different flavors. Antranik and Haik each would have one scoop, while little Nareg decides to hell with his diet and goes for a double. With ice-cream dripping everywhere,  Sassoon smiles and whispers to the commissioner, "you know this year is my year, right?" It's a line that the commissioner has heard time and time again from every manager. But with a smile back he replies "It's everyone's year." The message is understood.

Entering the 2017 season, Grabbers has the option of keeping players from last season, with the best choices being Cam Newton ($17) Tevin Coleman ($13) or Spencer Ware ($9).  The value for those players aren't great, but they could be the building blocks for getting Grabbers back to the AFFL title game. No, Grabbers won't intimidate anyone with a history of winning the likes other AFFL managers can. His lifetime win percentage is still only 44%, and he has only made the playoffs 3 times during his 9 seasons in the league. But that's just the way Grabbers like's it. It's what his team brand is made of.

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"When you go to pinch someone from behind, its tougher to do it when they know you're coming. I don't want anyone to know I'm coming."

3:30pm - Returning to the house after ice-cream, Antranik challenges the commissioner to a game of soccer. The commish accepts, and the game ends with an Antranik goal and celebration. Sassoon looks on from the side smiling. Meanwhile, Nareg has managed to nab Lalazarian's phone and proceeds to take selfies of himself and the commish. He's not shy about a photo-op.

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7:40pm - After dinner (which was kid centered: Fillet o' fish sticks and salad) Sassoon takes the boys to the bathtub, where they disrobe and jump into the pool eagerly. While they splash and play about, Sassoon calmly washes them, applying just the right amount of soap to create the optimum bubble level.  Too little is no fun, too much and Sassoon loses them in the clouds. As he says, "it's an art form."

Sassoon hard at work getting the right amount of soap bubble level in the bath.

Once rinsed, they move their naked little bodies to the dresser drawers to put on their vardegs and comic book themed pjs. Haik goes for batman, while Nareg opts for Spiderman. Unable to get his socks on, he asks the Commisisoner for help. Lalazarian obliges.

830pm- Once the kids are dressed, The Commissioner says good-bye to the boys with one last few tosses in the air and thanks Sassoon for the hospitality. They exchange pleasantries and Lalazarian drives off to AFFL HQ. Sassoon slowly shuts the screen door.

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Returning to the couch to catch his breath, Sassoon plumps down in front of his laptop with the same tabs open. He will read the kids a bedtime story in a few minutes, then get back to research. It's his few moments of solitude left. All we have are moments, and Sassoon eagerly awaits his moment to come, where, like today, he can basque in the Sun.

Cubs. Trump. Vosgee: Vosgerechee Gyank wins AFFL Championship by .72 over HBK

In a nail-biting MNF finish, Vosgereechee Gyank (A Jewler's Life), aka Vosgee Gereech (the Golden Pen), held off HBK and Dan Bailey to claim the 2016 AFFL Championship title by .72 points. The Gyank took a 6.82 lead on HBK on a last second TD by Antonio Brown Sunday Night. HBK needed only a few touchdowns and a field goal from Bailey on MNF to win the championship. Bailey never got the chance for a field goal, as Dallas scored six touchdowns leaving HBK .82 points short and giving Gyank the win. After a stat correction early Thursday morning correcting the difference to .72,  the 2016 AFFL finals were officially the closest margin in history.

In a year that saw unlikely underdogs win in their respective fields, such as the Chicago Cubs and Donald trump, it's hard not to include Vosgee in the group of unlikely champions (he is a Chicago cubs fan).  In the 10 years the franchise has been in the league, this year marks only the second time the team had made the playoffs. Prior to this season, Vosgee had never won a playoff game. Ironically, the last time he was in the playoffs, he was ousted by HBK in 2008 in the first round.

Over the 2016 season Vosgee consistently found himself near the top of the Mazoon Division. The 9-4 regular season was no fluke, as the Vosgee did a nice job dealing with a bust in keeper Allen Robinson and a sub par year by Aaron Rodgers.

His championship was well earned, as he beat two #1 seeds in Prime Time and HBK to claim his title. This has only happened once before (Jaj 2014). His playoff inexperience almost cost him the victory when he dropped Allen Robinson during championship week allowing HBK to pick him up and use him for 20+ points.

Nobody thought he could last til the end, but he did. Props to Vosgee Gyank for all the good management that lead him to this point. We end the 2016 season with a tribute to the "Vosgee Gereech" (the Golden Pen) as he was once mistakenly called by the commissioner. The nickname stuck. Vosgeeeeee in the Champions Hoooooooooouse!

AFFL FINALS MNF: Dan Bailey decides who gets the AFFL title; Vosgee up 6.82, HBK has Bailey.

It all comes down to the leg of Dan Bailey on MNF for the 2016 AFFL title. If HBK gets 7 points from Bailey, he will be the AFFL champion. If not, Vosgee Gyank would have done the unthinkable and come out of nowhere to win his first title. Here is how the AFFL scores Kicker points.

• 17-39 yard FG:  3 pts
• 40-49 yrd FG: 4pts
• 50+ yrd FG: 5 pts
• Xtra point: 1 pt
• Missed xtra point: -1 pt

AFFL Finals Preview: The Heartbreak Kid vs The Golden Pen

"Vosgee Dust" vs HBK Shant Michaels

And then there were two. After a blistering early round of playoff games, and a nail biting finish to the Vosgee v Prime Time match-up, the 2016 AFFL Finals will feature two newbies vying for league supremacy: HBK Shant Michaels, Vosgereechee Gyank.

HBK and Vosgee become the 9th and 10th teams to make an AFFL final, leaving Shabam Shadiq and BDiddy as the only two teams that have never made the final game. However, whichever one wins this weekend will enter into elite company, becoming one of only six teams to claim the title over a ten year period. In the ultra-competitive world of the AFFL, you don't get to the top often, and you need to take advantage when you do.

The two teams are built in entirely different ways. HBK has big guns in Brees, David Johnson, Aj Green to carry the load, while Vosgee's prospects hinges on Antonio Brown and a bunch of mid-tier players outperforming expectations weekly. Engagement rings, kidney stones, and cool nicknames are just a few of the many subplots we're following in the match-up.  Let's see who's gonna get an extra ring under their tree come xmas time. 

HBK Shant Michaels

How he got here:

• Quarterfinal - Bye
• Semi-final - defeated BDiddy (158.26-99.72)

What he's got going for him

Where to begin? David Johnson has been a stud all season long, and anchored HBK's Rb position. With the loss of AJ Green, DJ needed to produce to cover HBK's behind. Couple DJ with a healthy AJ and that is a dangerous combo. Sprinkle in Drew Brees and Mike thomas and the team is good for 140+ on most weeks. This was evident during the season, when HBK rifled off 130+ games in consecutive weeks.  If Vosgee is going to have a chance, he'll need to put up points in the treetops. 100 pts or less won't win it.

Getting AJ green back is a big boost for HBK, but even bigger will be the non-roster karma that he has going for him. So far, Baby karma has been proven to be the lesser of all karmas. We have learned that 2016 is the year of the rock. Engagement rings have trumped babies in match-ups, and HBK just defeated another engagement team in BDiddy. The obvious breakdown is that HBK's engagement was from a single manager, which trumped engagements from co-manager teams. This sort of karma bodes well for the armo wrestler wannabe as he will have all sorts of power in close match-ups.

You have to appreciate the bravado of the Michaels picking up players in the latter weeks and plugging them in. Robby Anderson was a play that netted 17 points. It didn't factor into the blow-out win, but it does show that HBK has his instincts in the right place.

Lastly, defense wins championships, and New England is about to do with the NASCAR driver turned quarterback Bryce Petty. That is a match-up that has tons of upside to it.

What's working against him

If Vosgee is going to upset HBK, it'll be because the players on the Michaels just weren't able to overcome match-ups. AJ Green is coming off weeks of a hamstring injury. He may play enough to get his 1000 yards and then sit the rest of the game. He also could aggravate the hammy during the game and sit. This is all without factoring the tough match-up in the Houston Texan secondary. There is downside to Green this week, which could net HBK a low point total at the WR spot.

We can't overlook the potential pot hole that could be the RB2 position. Jeremy Hill is questionable and may sit. If he does, the other options on the team aren't worth of RB2 consideration. Farrow and/or Duke Johnson won't be the kind of play that Hill could be. Add to that the potential of a disaster at the flex in whomever HBK picks (nothing is guaranteed with those wr's) and there are holes galore. 

Last statement

HBK is one of the founding managers of the AFFL (Prime Time, Shabam, Bomba, HBK) and has yet to taste the years of dedication to the league. He has been extremely unlucky in years past, but seems to be clicking on all cylinders coming into the final match-up. Yet, we still have to ask, will it finally unravel this week?'

Vosgereechee Gyank

How he got here

• Quarterfinals: Defeated Shabam (100.84-75.26)
• Semi-finals: Defeated Prime Time (128.28-124.54)

What he's got going for him

Raise your hand if you had Vosgee making the final in your office pool? Ya didn't think so. While the Gyank has spent years watching from the sidelines, this season, he finds himself on top of the AFFL mountain about to plant his flag on the summit. One of the big reasons for this is thanks to his unorthodox style of play. In a year that was anything but normal, Vosgee's instincts seemed to match the results week-in and week-out. Coupled with the right calls, he's been getting luck with his opponents, as they have under-performed when match-up against him. Could be the Vosgee effect, the magical voodoo that the Gyank has on his opponents.

When talking about the roster, the two names that jump out are Antonio Brown and Aaron Rodgers. If the Gyank is going to pull off the win, he'll need big days from those two players. Antonio hasn't really had a crazy game in a while, and Aaron hasn't had the kind of consistency that he has in the past. However, both players are capable of 30+ and will be needed to do so if Gyank has a chance.

The biggest thing Gyank has going for him is Kidney stone karma. Having given birth to a kidney stone over the past month, Gyank has creatively combined the giving birth karma of a baby with the "stone" from an engagement ring into one event. This super karmic force has already proven its worth as Gyank held on for dear life Monday Night against Jason Witten and Doug Martin, winning by 4 points. We have been advocating that HBK get some sort of ailment before Sunday to counter the "KidneyGyank" but it may be too late. It may be the "Heart Break Kid-ney" for Shant Michaels.

Lastly, in a year where the unthinkable happened in politics, Gyank represents the closest comparison to that happening in the AFFL. Vosgee is the Trump of the AFFL, an outsider who at the beginning of the season was on the bottom of the list of likely AFFL champions. We also note that Trump has "Golden hair," an ominous sign of the connection to Vosgee. Will Gyank make the AFFL great again? Sunday is the day of reckoning.

What he has going against him

Lets face it, this roster isn't loaded with studs. Two starters (Gore and Steve Smith) are senior citizens by NFL standards, and the other players aside from the above mentioned Antonio Brown and Rodgers aren't anything special. Ty Montgomery probably won't have 40 points again this week, and with tough match-ups across the board, the roster has a lot of downside. If an injury or concussion were to occur to one of the main players during the match, there is no doubt that this finals may turn into a blow-out quickly.

Gyank also doesn't have playoff experience like HBK, leaving him much more vulnerable to a last minute roster mistake. He cannot afford to make any roster mistakes as his team lacks the number of tier one players when compared to HBK. The team is currently a 15 point underdog according to yahoo (AFFL betters currently have HBK at -9.14).

Last Statement

Vosgee has gotten to the championship game and is playing with house money. Nobody thought he'd get here, yet he did. Nobody thinks he'll win, yet he could. If he does, he would have defeated the top two seeds in the AFFL in doing so and will have earned it. With Gyank, nothing comes easy, and neither will this. But can he pull it off?

The Prediction

Brees doesn't have an off game and out-duels Rodgers in points, while AJ Green is content with 43 yards on 5 catches in Hou. Stop! Hammy time. Antion "What can Brown do for you" delivers for the Gyank, and Steve Smith shows the young Mike Thomas that there is still life in his ex-panther legs. At the RB spot, Hey Mr. DJ is playing that song all night, spinning to the tune of 130 and 2 tds. Thank you but no TY Mr. Montgomery, you won't find much running room in Minny this weekend. Gore can out do Jeremy on the Hill, but when Greg Olsen cranks it up for 80 and a score its Zach is gonna be singing some John Cougar Mellancamp "It Ertz So good." HBK won't be flexing much with whomever is in that slot, while Rishard will be the winner of that play. And despite the long kicks Tucker, The New England Defense will ground the Jets for more points than needed, setting up HBK to be sippin' on some Dan Bailey's Irish Cream Liquor on Monday night with his new championship title.